There’s a popular sentiment that’s expressed in many Christian circles these days that says: Marriage is not to make you happy, it’s to make you holy.

It’s such a commonplace, you’d probably think it was right from the pages of scripture.

It sounds pious.

But is it true? Does the Bible actually teach this anywhere, or is it just a nugget of theo-babble?

To learn the answer, we need only ask scripture two questions:

• Is marriage not to make us happy?
• Is marriage to make us holy?

Marriage is absolutely for happiness

So the first point of our truism is absolutely untrue, biblically speaking.

A simple look at Proverbs 5:18-19 should prove that God has provided marriage for joy and pleasure:

… rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.

ESV

Marriage isn’t to make you happy? In light of this passage, you sure could’ve fooled me!

To rejoice in your wife is to enjoy her and to celebrate her. Husbands are also told to be intoxicated in her love—to be drunk on her. Not to mention the part about her breasts delighting you.

And listen—this happiness in marriage is supposed to flow both directions.

St. Paul tells us that: A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does (1 Corinthians‬ ‭7:4‬ ‭CSB‬‬).

Sensual delights, as well as the other joys of marriage, are meant to be mutual: and they shall become one flesh (Genesis‬ ‭2:24‬ ‭NKJV‬‬).

See also the Song of Songs.

Like the Sabbath, humans were not made for marriage, but marriage for humans. And like wine—God has given us marriage to make the human heart glad.

Anybody who leads off by saying: Marriage isn’t to make you happy, has already gravely mistaken God’s vision for marriage.

Marriage doesn’t make you holy (with an important caveat)

Is marriage meant to make us holy? Biblically speaking, the short answer is: No.

Nothing we do makes us holy.

The Father has chosen believers to be holy in Christ (Ephesians 1:4-5); and declares us holy to Himself (Romans 1:7; 1 Corinthians 1:2).

Christ the Son died to make us holy (Hebrews 10:10, 14), and is our holiness before God (1 Corinthians 1:30).

And as we are joined to Christ through faith, as branches to a vine (John 15:5) the Holy Spirit nurtures us in holiness, producing His good fruit in us (Galatians 5:22-23).

The Triune God alone makes us holy, and scripture is crystal clear about that.

Nothing we do makes us holy. Not even marriage—a couple of passages we’re going to look at below notwithstanding.

1 Corinthians 7:12-14: The unbelieving spouse is made holy by the believer?

1 Corinthians 7:12-14 would seem, on its face, to support the idea that marriage can sanctify an unbeliever.

Here’s what St. Paul teaches in this passage:

To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

ESV

Paul is dealing here with the problem of believers married to unbelievers. Probably, they had been married before one of the partners converted. Now some of them were troubled about their marriages: Was it right for them to remain yoked in marriage to a non-Christian spouse?

After all, hadn’t God once commanded His people to divorce their unbelieving wives (Ezra 10:3)?

Paul’s advice to such believers was, if their unbelieving spouse was still willing to stay married to them, then they should remain married.

The kind of odd-sounding part is v14, where Paul asserts that the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband.

Now, here’s the thing Paul cannot possibly mean. He cannot mean that an unbeliever is sanctified in the same way as a believer, just by virtue of being married to a believer. Jesus doesn’t have in-laws.

So what could St. Paul have possibly meant?

What’s the issue here? You have Christians who were worried about the implications of being married to unbelievers. Specifically, they were concerned that being married to a pagan might defile them. After all, marriage makes them one flesh (Genesis 2:24).

St. Paul was looking to calm their anxiety that being married to an unbeliever could somehow make them unholy. He’s reasoning in these verses along the same lines as he does in Titus 1:15: To the pure, all things are pure (ESV).

In other words, Paul is saying: You are holy to God as a believer. Therefore, your marriage is holy. Enjoy the goods of marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t believe. Their unbelief doesn’t defile you.

Paul also reassures the believer about their children: If your marriage is holy in God’s sight, despite your unbelieving partner, then the children you bear are also holy to Him—children of the covenant: if the root is holy, so are the branches. (Romans‬ ‭11:16‬ ‭ESV‬‬)

1 Corinthians 7:14 is a textbook example of why biblicism is very bad. Even though it explicitly states that the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband; if you read that to mean that marriage literally sanctifies anyone, you’ve just denied the Gospel.

That’s an important idea to bring forward into our next passage, because this is the one often cited as proving that marriage is sanctifying … well, at least to one spouse.

Ephesians 5:25-33: A husband sanctifies his wife?

This passage is one of the most egregiously abused by patriarchal preacher boys.

Here’s a very basic rule of biblical interpretation (at least it should be). And it’s so simple that if you can’t even get this right, you have no business preaching, and certainly not teaching in a seminary or writing books.

You ready for this very basic hermeneutical principle? Here it is: If the way you’re about to interpret this passage denies or in any way diminishes the Gospel of Christ, it’s wrong.

I have seen patriarchalists go to this passage and claim from it that a married man is the prophet, priest, and king of his household.

Some—and I’m hoping it’s because the Holy Spirit is constraining them from letting such blasphemy roll off their tongues—will stop just short of king and substitute protector and provider. When I hear a guy waffle at that last point, I think, “Ah—perhaps the Lord is being merciful and giving him space to repent.”

Here’s the thing: For every Christian—male and female; single, married, or widowed, Christ alone is your Prophet, Priest, and King. Period. Full stop.

Just look at the first few verses of Hebrews.

God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son (Hebrews‬ ‭1:1b-2a ESV). That means Christ—and Christ alone—is our Prophet.

… by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world … and he upholds the universe by the word of his power (Hebrews‬ ‭1:2b-3a). If all things belong to Christ, and the entire universe hangs on His command, then He—and He alone—is our King.

After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high (Hebrews‬ ‭1:3‬b ESV‬‬). If Christ has made purification for the sins of His people once and for all, then He—and He alone—is our Priest.

Some of the guys who want to pursue this whole: A man is prophet, priest, and king over his home nonsense will qualify it with the vague caveat: “in some sense.”

That simply will not float. You do not have the right to interpret any passage in scripture in a way that even faintly smells like you are usurping the offices of Christ. Period. Full stop: I am the Lord … my glory I give to no other (Isaiah‬ ‭42:8‬ ‭ESV‬‬).

So having established all that, let’s look at our passage:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
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Ephesians 5:25-33 ESV

The interpretive key is found in vv31-32: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Paul’s saying: Look, I’m really drawing an analogy between marriage, and Christ’s union to His bride, the Church. Christ’s love for His Church is profound, and you husbands need to understand, if you want a glimpse of how you should love your wife—look at how Christ has loved us.

And then, by way of clarification, he adds in v33: However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. As you can see, St. Paul brings everything right back down to earth in this verse—to make sure we don’t get any funny ideas.

Let the wife see that she respects her husband is a far cry from: Wives, view your husbands as the prophet, priest, and king of your home.

So what we do here is pretty simple: Make a clear distinction between a) what this passage instructs a husband to do in regards to his wife; and b) what Christ has done for His church.

Let’s start with what Christ has done for His church :

• Loved us (v25)
• Gave Himself for us (on the cross, v25)
• Sanctified us (v26; cf. Hebrews 10:10, 14) by:
  • Applying to us the washing of water with the word (baptism, v26); so that:
    • He might present us to Himself in glory, holy and blameless (v27).

If you’re a husband, did you die for your wife’s sin? Does your blood make her holy? Was she baptized in your name? Will you present her to yourself in the new heavens and earth?

You better have answered, No—hard no!—to each one of those questions. And if so, guess what? You have no instrumental role to play in your wife’s sanctification, so stay in your lane, buster!

This passage is not teaching sanctification by marriage. Not unless you’re brave enough to usurp Christ’s offices and foolish enough to deny the Gospel.

Okay—what do these verses tell husbands to do for their wives?

• Love them as Christ loved the church (v25)
  • A man should be willing to give up his life for his wife; but you had better live for her first;
• Specifically, a man should love, cherish, and nurture his wife, as he does his own body (vv28-29)
  • Remembering that the head / body relationship of Christ and the church means they are of one body; likewise—a husband and his wife are one body—one flesh (v30)

Husband—God has not called you to sanctify your wife. He has called you to love, cherish, and nurture her like she was your own body.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church, doesn’t give you permission to lord it over your wife … because you are not her Lord. Christ is.

The verdict: Marriage is not to make you happy, marriage is to make you holy, is wrong on both counts.

Biblically speaking, God does intend our marriages for our happiness in this life. But He never intended them to make us holy.

The only marriage that ever sanctified anybody is the union of a believer to Christ: I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine (Song of Solomon‬ ‭6:3‬). He took our sin and misery, and gave us His holiness.

The important caveat

When someone says: Marriage isn’t to make you happy, it’s to make you holy; what they often mean is: Suffer through your marriage and grin and bear it—even if your partner is neglectful, unfaithful, or abusive—because it builds character.

That’s bunk. There’s nothing inherently redemptive in suffering abuse. The only suffering that will redeem you happened on a cross two thousand years ago.

But having said all that—and all other things being equal—the vocation of marriage can be an arena in which the drama of your sanctification plays out.

As a believer, the Holy Spirit is always at work in you to grow and nurture the good fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in you (Galatians 5:22-23).

After all, these fruits are grown in relationship to our neighbors. So as a believing husband and wife are learning to love each other well, the Spirit is there in them and among them, working in them to produce good fruit.

The Spirit produces patience with one another’s foibles, gentleness with each other’s tender places, self-control in the heat of conflict.

But of course—none of this is particular to marriage. This is also true in our other vocations—at our job, or as parents, as neighbors, as citizens.

It’s not the marriage that makes you holy. It’s the blood of Christ applied to you, and the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit. Marriage is just one arena of life where the new creation we are in Christ wrestles with the old Adam of our fallen flesh. It is within these various arenas that the drama of our sanctification unfolds, but it is through the work of the Holy Spirit that we are being transformed into the same image [of Christ] from one degree of glory to another (2 Corinthians‬ ‭3:18‬ ‭ESV‬‬).

To say that marriage—or any other vocation to which the Lord calls us—makes us holy is to commit a grievous category error: It’s to mistake the theater, the stage, and the scenery for the drama itself.