When you hear about abuse in the church environment, you may think of predatory pastors—like we have seen unfold with John Lowe in Indiana over the weekend. Or you may think of massive cover-ups of sexual abuse, as we have seen with the recent news coming out of the Southern Baptist Convention. Perhaps we remember situations where victims of domestic violence are re-victimized by church leadership taking the side of the abuser, and weaponizing church discipline to actually punish the victim. This we’ve seen with the ham-handed excommunication of Eileen Grey from John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church.

Of course, cases like these grab our attention. And they very well ought to.

They raise the question: How do churches let themselves get to this point?

That’s a complicated question with layers and layers of answers, some even peculiarly linked to a particular congregation and its leadership.

But there’s another layer of abuse that goes on inside the church, and it’s incredibly common. So common that it will never make the headlines. Indeed, these behaviors may go unnoticed by many within the church.

Abuse inside the church isn’t limited to predators and conmen. There are all sorts of other ways wolves, goats, tares, and even some poorly-discipled sheep abuse others within the church. And these behaviors often go unnoticed and unchecked by church leaders.

Abuse in the church isn’t limited to predators and conmen.

Some ministers and elders tolerate these behaviors, chalking it up to normal personality quirks and people rubbing each other the wrong way. Sheep will be sheep, they say, with a sheepish grin. Other church leaders encourage such behaviors, because they engage in it themselves, or because they are carried out by friends in their inner circle.

If I may borrow an analogy from the Harry Potter universe—think about how much abuse and cruelty Cornelius Fudge let Dolores Umbridge get away with.

When you see these forms of spiritual abuse I’m going to describe, you might be tempted yourself to minimize them as frustrating foibles, or “the cost of doing business” with fallen humans. You might say: These behaviors are a nuisance, but do they rise to the level of abuse?

That’s the wrong question, Ms. Ostrich. Get your head out of the sand for a bit and think about the question I asked earlier. When we see churches where we have sexual predators in the pulpits; decades long conspiracies to cover up wickedness and perversion; and church discipline being turned on victims instead of abusers: How do churches let themselves get to that point?

I humbly submit that the path to getting to these dark places begins with allowing the behaviors I’m going to describe below. When we refuse to confront these behaviors in “small matters,” it sets a precedent for what we will allow, tolerate, and eventually condone in more serious matters.

Here are six common forms of spiritual abuse that we often tolerate, turn a blind eye to, or make excuses for in the church. These set a tone in the culture of a church.

1. Spiritual bypassing via the Devil.

I believe in the Devil. I believe that he’s very real, and very dangerous. I believe that Satan was a murderer from the beginning, and that he is the father of lies (John 8:44). I believe that he as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭KJV‬‬).

In fact, I take the Devil so seriously that I cringe that we teach our children to sing: If the Devil doesn’t like it, he can sit on a tack. Or: I wish I had a little red box to put the Devil in … Or: Ooh-ah, sock it to the Devil! These songs actually teach young people not to take Satan seriously, casting him as a buffoon with red horns who can be easily slapped around.

Moreover, the Bible teaches us not to make light of the Devil:

Yet Michael the archangel, in contending with the devil, when he disputed about the body of Moses, dared not bring against him a reviling accusation, but said, “The Lord rebuke you!” But these speak evil of whatever they do not know; and whatever they know naturally, like brute beasts, in these things they corrupt themselves.
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Jude‬ ‭1:9-10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

If even the archangel Michael was careful about what he spoke regarding Satan, we have no business being flippant about him. Jude warns us here in no uncertain terms that if we do this, we are stupid as brute beasts and will only corrupt ourselves.

That being said, there is a form of spiritual bypass you will often hear from some believers where the Devil is invoked in order not to deal with the hard and messy work of actually dealing with things.

Spiritual bypass is a psychological tactic people use to effectively deny unpleasant emotions and avoid unpleasant experiences through religious ideas. The very basis of it is repression and avoidance, so by nature it’s dishonest. Spiritual bypass is basically a way of cheating so you can swallow your emotions or, in group settings, keep the peace.

Spiritual bypassing via Satan is seen when any situation that causes conflict or hurt is simply attributed to the Devil. Yes, Satan loves to sow discord—he is the Accuser, after all. But in practice, the way it plays out is that conflicts are never actually resolved; hurts are allowed to fester into gangrenous bitterness; and bullies are never held accountable.

If you’re on the receiving end of this, and you don’t just get on board and snap back, now, according to the spiritual bypasser—a real jaywalker!—you are simply letting Satan use you to sow discord and hinder kingdom work.

This is completely at odds with how Jesus taught His followers to deal with interpersonal conflict and hurts between Christians. (By the way, this does not apply to cruelty or abuse.) What Jesus taught was: If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him (Luke‬ ‭17:3‬ ‭NKJV‬‬). Christ taught us to confront other Christians when they hurt us; and to repent and be forgiven when we hurt others.

Not to blame it on the Devil and shake it off.

In contrast to the way Christ taught us to follow when we hurt one another, spiritual bypass via Satan removes personal moral responsibility, and creates an environment where wrongs are never addressed and resolved.

2. Not holding bullies accountable.

I hate to break this to you, but there are bullies in the church just like everywhere else.

And, just like everywhere else, they become adept at trying to spin everything so that they’re the victim. The difference is, in the world and in the workplace, they’re often eventually found out and put in their place. Alas, we church people haven’t taken our Lord’s warning to heart that the sons of this world are more shrewd in their generation than the sons of light (Luke‬ ‭16:8‬ ‭NKJV‬‬). Likewise, we have not attended to His command to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves (Matthew‬ ‭10:16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬). Instead, we sit around cooing empty platitudes about grace, like a bunch of dumb pigeons, while the bullies bite our brothers and sisters.

In the church we want to believe the best about people, which is pretty dumb when our Bible tells us that we’re all filthy sinners and even our good deeds are rotten and corrupt. Yes, it’s not PC to preach these things anymore, but we ought to. Because this overly sentimental view of human nature produces the kind of culture where bullies, abusers, and predators thrive.

One common tactic of the church bully is to present themselves as the “weaker” brother or sister in order to hamper anything they don’t like. Again, most conservative Christians don’t cotton to “snowflakes” in the world, but as soon as old Brother Billy is “triggered” by a teenager leading prayer on Sunday night wearing jeans, we cave and then go and tell the teenager not to wear jeans to church. The church bully wins and sets the agenda. He has his way, even though his way has probably just discouraged that young person.

Here’s another thing about church bullies: They often have a knack for getting cozy with the church leadership. For people who present themselves as dainty and delicate pearl clutchers when they’re not getting their way, by sheer force of personality, they often rise to positions of prominence in churches. Sometimes even into church leadership itself, and if not, in the “inner circle.”

And I warn you: Once they get there, you can’t pry ‘em off with a crowbar. They stick there like barnacles, and if you can get them out of there, they do structural damage on their way out.

You might think of them as merely a nuisance. But I don’t believe God sees it that way.

In the book of 1 Samuel we are told of Eli’s sons, who were bullies who messed with the people’s sacrifices to God. It says that the sin of these young men was very great in the sight of the Lord, for the men treated the offering of the Lord with contempt (1 Samuel‬ ‭2:17‬ ‭ESV‬‬).

Let me propose a question. Nowadays, the saints are living sacrifices, holy to God (Romans 12:1). If God was so furious with the sons of Eli for treating the Old Testament sacrifices with contempt that He killed them—how do you think He feels about bullies in His church treating His beloved daughters and sons with contempt?

Eli turned a blind eye to his boys’ antics. He got fat and blind (for real) and one day tilted over in his chair, fell out, and broke his neck and died. What do you think God will do to church leaders now who turn a blind eye to bullies in the household of God?

3. Toxic positivity.

This is another form of spiritual bypass. These folks make Pollyanna sound positively emo by comparison. To hear them tell it, the Bible is nothing but 66 books’ worth of: Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! (Philippians‬ ‭4:4‬ ‭NKJV‬‬)

Here’s what you need to understand. These people are not just temperamentally optimistic. There’s often a dark and dangerous process going on with them.

What they are actually doing is engaging in denial, and minimizing and invalidating the very real hurts and problems of others.

You groan in sorrow or grief around them, and they accuse you of grumbling against the Lord like the Israelites in the wilderness. You lament your loss too close to them, they accuse you of ingratitude. You express concerns or anxieties within earshot, and they chide you for lacking faith.

And they do all that with Jesus jukes, cherry-picked Bible verses, and guilt trips disguised as pep talks.

These people are really skilled at gaslighting you into believing you’re the problem. And they’ll do it with the peachiest smile and creamiest tone of voice you ever did hear.

This is not the way of the Lord. This is what the Psalmist says of God’s response to our groans, anxieties, and laments:

You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?
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Psalm‬ ‭56:8‬ ‭ESV‬‬

God doesn’t believe in toxic positivity. He is a Father who catalogs the sleepless nights of His children, and collects our tears in a bottle. The sighs, groans, and tears of His saints are precious to Him. How dare any sanctimonious twit make light of them?

Church leaders, I warn you: Behind their shining countenance, these people are hiding some very dark things. Typically unresolved trauma that they are covering up by not allowing themselves—or others around them—to freely acknowledge the existence of certain emotions. These people need professional help. They are neurotically happy. But that’s not the joy of the Lord! They are an emotional danger to themselves and others. And you must not allow them to set the tone of your church culture.

4. Being dismissive of emotional or mental health matters.

I’m going to say this bluntly.

If you’re in a church environment where they don’t take mental health seriously; where they try and discourage you from seeking professional therapy or medications if you need them; or if they dismiss your anxiety, CPTSD, or depression as a sinful “lack of faith” that can be fixed by trying harder or praying more … If any of those things are true in the culture of your church or it’s leadership: Get out! Now. Run, don’t walk. It’s not a safe place.

If they know you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, but they put all the burden of “reaching out” on you—they don’t understand, and it’s not your job to make them understand. Church leaders who care about their flock will take the time to learn. Period.

The Psalmist, speaking from a dark place, cries out to God: You have distanced loved one and neighbor from me; darkness is my only friend (Psalm‬ ‭88:18‬ ‭CSB‬‬). God doesn’t see your struggle against the darkness and despair of mental illness as a sign of bad faith. Instead, He records this cry from one of His saints among the prayers of the faithful.

5. Cheap grace for offenders.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath (Ephesians‬ ‭4:26‬ ‭KJV‬‬) is a passage that’s commonly misunderstood and therefore misapplied. One day I might make a whole post on it. But for now, can’t we at least agree that it’s pastorally unrealistic and in some cases emotionally tone deaf to insist, based on this passage, that one must always forgive and forget by bedtime?

And yet, it’s commonly used this way. Combine that with a church culture that’s of the opinion that repentance is a sincere-sounding apology; and that you are thereby bound by God to immediately let the matter go and never think or speak of it again—you’ve got a Petri dish you can grow the rot of cheap grace in.

If you’re in a church environment that places more emphasis on a shiny redemption story than on justice and righteousness, you’re in a very dangerous place if anyone there hurts you.

Even if the harm done to you is great, and even if the person who harmed you hasn’t borne fruit in keeping with repentance, you will find them pushing you towards quick and easy (for them) forgiveness and restoration of the offender.

You understand what that means don’t you? They don’t really care about the harm that’s been done by the offender. They’d rather pose for a picture hugging a wolf or petting some old goat, than actually protect the sheep.

That’s not how scripture teaches the church to deal with a grievous offender among us, especially when they are unrepentant. Instead, we are told: Remove the evil person from among you. (1 Corinthians‬ ‭5:13‬ ‭CSB‬‬) Grace is not for the unrepentant. Bullies and abusers must be removed for the protection of the sheep.

6. Weaponized forgiveness for victims.

This is the other side of the cheap grace for offenders coin.

Church leaders and other members will guilt or shame you by accusing you of “harboring the sin of unforgiveness.” They will tell you that setting boundaries to protect your body and soul from an unrepentant bully or abuser is just as sinful—or worse than!—what that person has done to you. They will call you bitter and divisive for doing exactly what the Bible says and exposing the deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11).

This is law for the victim—strict and demanding—and grace for the offender. The only place in the universe that’s good is the cross of Christ. And if a church doesn’t understand that only Jesus can do that— your suffering isn’t going to redeem anybody—they don’t understand the Gospel and are therefore not a true church.

Let me share with you what God thinks about all these things. God’s voice thunders with indignation against them:

“They have treated the brokenness of my dear people superficially, claiming, ‘Peace, peace,’ when there is no peace. Were they ashamed when they acted so detestably? They weren’t at all ashamed. They can no longer feel humiliation. Therefore, they will fall among the fallen. When I punish them, they will collapse,” says the Lord.
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Jeremiah‬ ‭8:11-12‬ ‭CSB‬‬

This is what churches and their leaders are doing when they:

• Blame the devil for everything;
• Enable bullying;
• Foster an environment of toxic positivity;
• Dismiss spiritual and emotional health;
• Lavish cheap grace on offenders;
• Weaponize forgiveness against victims.

God says that’s treating the wounds of His people carelessly; it’s false peace based on lies; and people who do these things are shameless.

God says that He will not overlook that. When He comes in judgment on the one who harmed His dear daughter or son, He will also exact vengeance on the ones who compounded their suffering with such heartless carelessness. They will fall, too.

These are some of the red flags you’ll see in an unsafe church. And if you see them—even in the “smallest” matters of church life, you will see them amplified in bigger matters: he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much (Luke‬ ‭16:10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬).

The question I asked up front: How do churches let themselves get to this point—where there are wolves in the pulpit, there are massive coverups of abuse, and church discipline is turned against victims instead of offenders?

I believe I’ve answered that question.

A church culture where the forms of abuse I’ve described in this post are allowed to take root, grow, and thrive, unconfronted and unchecked, is exactly how we end up with frauds and predators helping themselves to the flock.

So, what are we going to do about it?